Alright. I admit that I am no good at blogging. But I read a fair amount of blogs, and I want to write pretty words about my life too. My thoughts, my dreams, my cats, the weird food I make my poor boyfriend eat and stink up the apartment building with (sorry bacon-for-every-meal dude across the hall). I had this bright idea to come up with a 30 before 30 bucket list. It seems neat, right? Come up with a list of 30 things that you want to accomplish by the time you turn 30. In my case, over the next 2 1/2 years. Most of the lists you can find on other people's blogs include the same big ones: sky diving, travel, get married, run a marathon. So I started writing my list:
1. Paris
2. London
3. earn project management certification
4. host a holiday
5. Boston
6. learn how to bake bread and actually do it
7. no credit card debt
8. reach a healthy weight
9. run a 5k
10. learn how to sew
11. minimize junk
12. get serious about blogging (ha!)
13. knit something that isn't a scarf
14. cut out dairy from diet
15. find a perfect little black dress
16. take a mother/daughter trip
17. touch my toes
18. buy a polaroid/instant camera
19. take all the CLE pictures I have been meaning to
20. ride horses with dad
Maybe it's not such a bad list, but it sent me into an anxiety spiral that has lasted for weeks. Constant, numbing anxiety that only lessened after dragging that same poor boyfriend with a belly full of weird food out of miles-long walks around CLE. I was panicked that my dreams sucked. That I never dreamed big enough. Seeing people writing about starting their own businesses or getting a degree they have always wanted made me think about my life in a really bad way. What if I had stuck with any of the other random careers I wanted when I was younger? Would I be as happy as this lady? Maybe. I have no idea. Am I actually that unhappy now? Maybe. I have no idea.
And then I panic because I should be happy. I work in a field actually using my degree. My office is next door to a bar, where I have worked out 5 days a week that I can get 50% off. I am planning a HUGE event in Lakewood that I would be super stoked to attend if I wasn't already planning it. I have stupid, hilarious, sweet cats. My poor boyfriend with the belly full of weird food thinks I am pretty great. I have an awesome apartment, with an upstairs, that I am going to be able to watch the filming of the new Captain America movie from.
I think the anxiety comes from wanting to do something bigger, something amazing. But what's really wrong with what I am doing now? Why should I feel bad about it? The short answer is, I shouldn't. The long answer will hopefully come after my vacation with my mom and grandparents that starts tomorrow.
